Masterbation - Pullin' the Pork !

Well lets try and talk about the thing we all do but don't talk about or say that we do. Hmmmm. You got the parts right? And you never tried it? LIAR. During the teen years I bet there wasn't a time alone when the hands did a little walk around the nether regions for some self support and soothing from that days frustrations.

Lets talk first about the ways we say masturbation. Here we go.

Spank the monkey
Floggin' the dolphin
Playing the slot machine
Shucking the corn
Jerkin the gherkin
Whack a mole
Choking the chicken
Slapping the salami
Pocket Pool
Beat your meat
Whack off
Rub one out
Self texting
Making pants Jam

I can go on and on and on. If you look online you can find a slew of euphemisms for polishing the pawn. And a side note. It is interesting we make the association to food and animals though.

So like I mentioned before people do it in their teens as a soothing measure to help them through their awkwardness and the exploding hormones. It has the same effect when a toddler too. Reports of girls riding the rails of their crib for pleasure were associated with a disruptive home life. So the doctors associate giving self pleasure with soothing ones self. Or the craving for affection or touch or the only way a teenager can turn around his/her day from the daily pressures or fluctuating hormones.

So then we grow up and we find out about battery powered toys for women and flesh-lights for men. Taking the masturbation to another level. Then you might even discover you can have more than one orgasm for men and there is that mystical unicorn they call a g-spot in women. And their friends weren't boasting about having multiple orgasms. And doctors on tv or radio discuss things like partner masturbation. Hell there is an actual International masturbation day. Who knew? Oh yeah I did. LoL.

Then you get to a place in your life where you look at what you have been doing lately and discover not only are you having sex with a partner but you have been stroking the bishop in your spare time? What the heck? Another increase in hormones?
No it is just the case of having sex with your partner and maybe your daily pressures of life has you self soothing yourself. Everyone goes through it and your not alone.

Ok and now this is the part I hate. The religious point of view of polishing the knob. Well in the scripture, I was recently told, these morons write that spilling the seed is immoral and a sin. Well I never believed much in the bible. And I accept all faiths. But that part just doesn't make sense. To give one pleasure is a sin? Guess they were a bunch of sheep herders and they had their flock to keep them warm if ya know what I'm saying. But to say you can't soothe the staff by yourself without it being a sin that you have to confess to the church dude is ridiculous. Maybe they priest should have choked the chicken more. Then the alter boys at some churches would be safe from a greater sin.

In the culture of sex and sexuality it is now more excepted in the western culture to do it. For one reason or another it is okay. If anyone tells you it isn't they need to try it once for themselves and then make the judgment.

So why did I write about this topic in the first place. Well I was asked to write it by a reader of the blog. I hope it lives up to her expectations.

Last thing I have to say that if you don't know how to pleasure yourself then how do you expect someone else to pleasure you.

Ciao for Now

Porn! Now I Got Your Attention

So porn is everywhere and anywhere you want to get it. From the standard video tape or DVD to the internet on your computer,or if you have more urges than others, your cell phone is just as handy.

So how much is too much? Or is there never enough?

It's everywhere clearly. We buy and sell products based on sex and sexuality. Like ya don't know that one.

Lets look at that. Would you buy AXE body spray if an average guy on the commercials wasn't being mobbed by hot women? Or would you buy the perfume if you could get the hunky half dressed man like in the magazines? And why do they always look so tired in those pictures? Lying on each other or on horses lying down on them. Or even lying on the sand. That just makes me itchy looking at the picture.

Would the same sales technique work for products like Coke or Hershey's? Like imagine a couple is rolling around on the beach in the surf and you see a close up of them kissing and he reaches up and drinks a coke. Sexy? Yeah... no.

So I guess the question then comes down to, does sex define you? Who you are and what you buy and every aspect of your life? Do we see so much sexuality and images in our day to day lifestyle that sex becomes harder. Like trying to live up to the fantasies made up in your own mind or by media.

My final question is, if sex is already complicated now how will our kids feel when newer and crazier influences will be front and center in their lives. Will it be too much pressure on them to be the perfect lovers?

Ok you let me know when you can solve some of these pressing questions. And I will do the same for you.

Ciao for Now

OFFLINE

I will be offline and trying to get back when I get internet in my new residence. I will try and post stuff as soon as I can for you all.

Ciao for Now

You want me to put what...where?

Hey Y'all! I'm back (stop groaning!) As you may recall, Senor Robert is away soaking up some sun and love with his mini people and he asked me to write for him twice this week...aren't you lucky (STFU!)!

So, my first post was a bit more serious than I write...if you haven't checked my blog...you can do that right here. I write a lot about being a mom...and what a fuck up I can be...and what an amazing mom I can be...I also write a lot about Sex..yes, SEX...I SAID SEX! You see...if you have taken even a stroll through blogging, you know that many of us have no edit button on our blogs and we basically say what we want, when we want. Read it or don't...it's up to you...but what I have found is that A LOT of us talk about SEX!

Rob asked me to write about bringing some "buzz" into the bedroom. Even though people have come a very long way in their sexuality...toys in the bedroom are still very much a taboo subject in many relationships. Which...I have to be honest...totally amazes me. Why oh why would you opt to NOT have an orgasm???? I'm not saying that you NEED a toy for orgasm...but I am saying it makes it a HELL OF A LOT EASIER!!!

Ladies, I have to let you in on a very dark, very guarded secret...Men/Boys can not read minds! I know! GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE!! It's TRUE! Men, back me up on this one! I have yet to meet anyone...especially a woman who wakes up one day and says to herself "if I have a crappy sex life for the rest of my life, I'm okay with that." I've never ever ever ever ever heard that...ever!

Women want an amazing sex life! They want to be desired and desireable. Women want to be a vixen and a vamp...it just isn't the same for everyone. What is vixen to one is outrageous to another. What is vamp to one is total slut to another. We don't all live the same, why do we think we have to fuck the same?

So, here I am...your favorite slutty mom...to share some secrets about the bedroom with you and why you NEED to have a toy in the bedroom!

1. Every good girl has three things in her nightstand. A. Bullet B. Water based Lubricant and C. Toy Cleanser.

2. A bullet virtually GUARANTEE'S ORGASM! Yes, I said it...guarantee!!! It provides the right buzz, sensation, accuracy and touch that a woman needs for that orgasm. Many women can not have an orgasm with straight penis in vagina sex...it's true! Some huge statistic like 95% or something like that...WOW!!! Does this mean that 95% of women DON'T have an orgasm when they have sex...probably not. Most of us have a partner that is somewhat connected with us and wants us to have an orgasm. They want us to moan and grasp onto them and call out their name...am I right guys?????

3. Guys wanna feel like a hero in bed and a vibrator, when used with a partner...makes him not only a hero...but a KING among men! I am not shitting you! I work with an airline and deal with guys on the ramp all the time...and let me tell you...the stories they swap *cough* are eye opening! The high five's I see going around from guy to guy when he tells the group that he is the "multiple man" and yes, they say that! The guys who say they have given their woman a multiple orgasm...the other guys look at them with a mix of "I call bullshit" and "You are a GOD!" Bullets, vibrators, cock rings...they all give him the opportunity to be that guy! Ladies...MULTIPLE ORGASMS!!!! I'll say it again...MUL TIP LE OR GAS MSSSSSS!!!! Not just one...maybe two or three...or four, five, six...the possibilities are endless!!!!!

4. Having a toy in the bedroom opens up a whole new channel of communication! Everything from..."I like it when you do that..." to those conversations that may require a glass or two of wine..."I wanna watch you use the toy..." It can go from mild to wild...nice to naughty...clean to dirty...it is totally up to you. Remember I said that is wild to one is mild to the next. You can be as nice or as naughty in the bedroom as you wanna be!

5. You should...nay you MUST laugh in the bedroom! If you aren't laughing in the bedroom, you are aren't laughing many places in your life...I guarantee that! If you haven't burst out laughing with your feet over his shoulders, rear end in the air and the most...erm...uh...unromantic noises escaping from you...you really haven't lived! Laugh...Laugh OUT LOUD in the bedroom. A toy offers up so much comic relief!!! Trust me on this one...when you are chasing batteries across the floor, pushing buttons to get the thing to turn on and off, figuring out where you actually insert the damn thing...you are laughing! Laughing releases endorphins...and endorphins make us feel good, they make us feel sexy and they make us more open to new things on our life!

I want all y'all to have fun in the bedroom! I want all you men to feel like hero's and I want all you ladies to have your eyes rolling back in your heads! I want the planet to erupt in a chorus of moans! You can shop for your favorite toy on my website and just for you CameraGuyRob fans...Imma give you a special treat...chose your favorite toy and get 40% off your highest priced item! Just enter code cameraguyrob in the discount section and I'll revise your total and send you a new total. You can chose a Cadillac vibrator and save almost half off...or you can chose the ever popular bullet and have those toe curling, eye ball popping orgasms! Shop on my website www.calgarypassion.com and spice up that sex life!

Thanks for reading and y'all better tell me how you get down and dirty! I am always looking for new tips and suggestions!

SEX RANT !

So what kind of sexual person are you? And what does your flavor and appetite say about you? Is it even important to you anymore?

Well lets talk about the first topic shall we. Sex and what type of sexual person are you? Are you the one who likes to hold hands and maybe give a peck on the lips while walking in the park? Or are you the type to tell that partner your walking with how fun it would be to come back and have sex on the park bench?

We all get caught up in what kind of sexual person we are and what our comfort levels are when it comes to it. To talk about having sex on the bench at night in the park doesn't make you weird or different from everyone else just makes you adventurous. Trying to keep the spice of the relationship going while trying different things. Good on ya because he/she might be really into it. Also if he/she wants to do that stuff you might be in with a super freak that will make all your dirty little thoughts come true. Or make them want to run right out into traffic. You have to be the judge.

If your the type who can only peck the person your with on the lips in public your alright and there is nothing wrong with you either. There are a lot of people who would rather be sexual dynamo's in the bedroom and be reserved in the public eye. They are the ones people say "He/she was such a quiet person". Serial killer quiet. But when your alone with the person they turn into the porn king/queen that likes to do stuff that would make Larry Flint blush. Stuff in your mind that might actually make you go blind.

So how does this relate to your flavor. I have heard the term "vanilla" meaning straight up intercourse. So what do the other flavors represent? Well lets make it up as we go. So chocolate could mean the obvious and having sex with a brown or black person. Then there is strawberry. So maybe that means being with a ginger person. Either that or having sex during a menstrual cycle. And what about blueberry? Well that could mean that your having sex while watching the Smurfs or with a smurf.

It doesn't matter what flavor you are as long as your not hurting anyone. Unless they ask for that. But really we don't have to put these labels on it and just have fun with the one we can relate to the most and the best fit mentally and physically.

Ciao for now

Stampede is Over Time to Blog

So the craziness of the Stampede is over for another year. All the lights on the rides have been turned off. The cowboy hats and boots put away for another year. And the mini donuts and beer are turning into a memory.

So what does this all mean for the average joe working day to day in this city of Stampede sin?

Well it's time to wrap up any business. Which means dealing with what happened at Ranchman's that night with that certain Stampede fling. Or not. Figuring out how to detox your body to adjust back into the work schedule of daily life. Trying to deal with the fact that debauchery and beer is done for yet another year.

Let's talk about the Stampede fling for a moment. Divorce lawyers love the Stampede. It has a huge impact on their business level within a month of Stampede finishing. Either because he/she has been caught in some incriminating photo that can't be explained. Or a text is found that seems very inappropriate. Or the fling turns out to be more and continues on to become a serious affair. Ultimately it ends the same way and off to the lawyers you go. On to the next oil bunny who wants to land a man that can take care of her.

If the Stampede can create so much sin why aren't the churches protesting it like PETA or Humane society does? Are they a part of the secret society of the Stampede and get more followers after the park has closed? Flooding their pews to be absolved of the sin that they had brought upon themselves? In hopes that if they make peace with it that it never happened? Or is there a bigger plot there?

Let's look at that for a moment. Gambling is a sin according to the local bishop here and he has been very vocal about the fact that a school can't even have a Bingo to raise money for their school. Yet when this yearly event comes along he doesn't say anything. Does he go on vacation and in his mind it's outta sight and outta mind so it really didn't happen? Or is he a part of a bigger plot against his own flock? Maybe a local large donation by an unknown donor that makes it's way into the churches coffers? The bishop knows there are a few things that happen during Stampede. Drinking,adultery,gambling,and coveting thy neighbors wife. Like how I pulled that one out of my hat? So that means looking at the ladies in a lewd and sexual mindset. So why hasn't he said anything against all the sin?

Am I against the Stampede? No. If people could enjoy the events that surround the biggest outdoor show on earth and not succumb to their desires and fall into the drunken, horny, people ogling idiots, we could have an event that makes everyone proud to be a part of. But it usually turns into the den of sin we all know and love to be a part of because it brings so many crazy stories. And yes there will be stories. Human nature can't help itself and the need to share with the co workers what they had seen at the company party takes over and for weeks the rumors fly around about the people who had messed around that night or the person who got so drunk they couldn't stand and eventually puked on their bosses shoes.

Don't get me wrong I enjoy the Stampede events and think it can be a great time for a single man/woman or family that is looking for some fun in the city. Great pancake breakfasts and music that everyone can enjoy. Stampede rides and rodeo events that test the metal of cowboys/cowgirls. All great fun.

So in closing I guess what I am saying is if we take the time to think before we act then the sins of the Stampede won't happen. We take the time to think that I really shouldn't drink another beer. I shouldn't try and dance with that person looking at me. Or I shouldn't put my tongue down this persons throat because we just met and I have a significant other. The gambling I can understand. Sorry Bishop Henry tough sell there to a non catholic. But the mind get s fuzzy as time goes by through the year. And as the next years Stampede gets closer the thoughts of what could happen at the next ten days of debauchery start to dance in their head like it's Christmas in July. And the cycle repeats itself. Because after all were human and temptation is hard to turn down when you have ten Bud in your gut and she has been eying your big buckle all night. Just like in the "Lion King", it's the circle of life.

Ciao for now

Old Flings are New Again

This is an interesting question that was brought up last week. Can old flings or girl/boy friends come around again and things work out the second time around? Well I guess we should take a look at my example of my old girlfriend and see what we can make of this query.

So as I wrote before everything with my old girlfriend got messed up and complicated and we broke up. But ever since we have been good friends and always had a bond there.The question then arises. Could the second time around then be better?

Well like any relationship you think about it a lot. And if one fails you think about how did it go so wrong and was any of it your fault. Of course these thoughts went through my head when om relationship fell apart with my old girlfriend. You think what did I do or didn't do. Was I paying enough attention to her or not enough. Did I put in the effort that was needed to keep it new and fresh. And maybe the biggest question of all is "Was she the one?".

Of course there is the other side of the coin as well. What happened? Why did she not do this or that? If I have to leave the seat down why can't you leave the seat up? Or look before you sit.Or maybe did she pay enough attention to me or too much and was smothering.

Of course all good questions and now whats the right answer? Well I think that with time comes the answers for every question. You think and rethink about what happened and it has to be better the second time around. As long as you have the right mindset to try and do it right the second time around. Or if you have the maturity to understand what it is that you need to do to make it work this time round.

So now that's as clear as mud. Right? Let us recap.

No if you don't have the maturity or the knowledge of what went wrong in the first place.

Yes if you learned from it and do want it to work so bad you have aches deep down in your heart. You know what needs to be done this time and will work at it harder.

So you see the answer lies with you and how much work and dedication you are willing to put into it. If your not wiling to put everything into it you have then don't waste her or your time.

I guess that's all for friendly advice.

Ciao for now

It's Your Say!

I have been deciding lately what People want to hear. There has been issues with some that say I shouldn't be candid and diary like in the blogs. Some say the posts are personal and they feel uncomfortable reading the blog.

What do you think? I want to know how the past posts make you feel and does it help to communicate these collection of thoughts?

Do you have anything in particular that you would like to read about if you don't want to read personal topics?

This is supposed to be a helpful blog and one of sharing experiences with each other and maybe it can help someone out there that may be going through anything similar that I have written about in the past.

It is hard to decide if this blog is helping people or not. That's why I am asking for your help. Should I just abandon this blog all together and try something else?

Make a comment and tell me what you think.

Ciao for now

I Took a Break to Think!

So the question has arisen about how brutally honest I have been on the blog and that it seems that I am not over a bunch of issues that I have written about. Well I have taken a bit of time and thought about that very hard for a few days.

Well one the one hand if I am totally honest about my experiences then someone else can learn about what I went through and maybe learn something from it. Then you the reader can also comment on it and then it becomes a sharing experience that more points of view can completely make sense of it. Does that sound confusing? It does when I write it. But some how makes logical sense to do it. It's almost like an idiots guide of what not to do or do in life. Take it in and learn from it.

Then there is the other side of the page where you shouldn't write about such things for it may come back to bite me in the ass. Things about relationships and betrayal and everything else is deeply personal and then people won't look at me the same way and feel sorry for me that I have had a rough year or week.

And then there is the shock value about the subjects I write about as well. Some people made comments that what they read makes them feel uncomfortable and that it's like reading a diary. Well yes it is. This is a sharing diary that we all can participate in. And yes some of the subjects are very personal and are raw. But if we can't talk about it then how do we learn from it?

I guess it all comes down to your comfort level and what you are willing to read or share to help others to experience the life lessons we all go through. If you can watch the Bachelorette or Big Brother on tv which is very voyeuristic then you should be able to read this blog and hopefully take something positive away from it.

Ciao for now

Not so Deep Thoughts

I have been single for a while now and thinking to myself the reason why this would be. The answer hasn't come clear to me just yet. I have come to terms with my separation and eventual legal divorce.For an example, if I was still bitter or hurt I would have used all the proper names of the people involved within my last blog. I am over it so lets move on.

Some of the women I know well tell me I am a good looking guy with a fun attitude. That's nice to hear for sure and keep the comments coming because my ego needs it. Not.

And I have some financial stability and getting better every day. This of course is not a big deal for some women because they can look past this bump in the road.

So I guess I am asking why am I single and looking on Plenty of Fish to see what is out there for my options?

Could be because I am competitive. My ex has a guy and I don't have a woman in my life yet.

Could be because I haven't gone to the right website or laundromat and worked my magic with women.

It's not like I am not looking, but some of the alternatives to minimum standards are, not to be rude but I have to, quite sub par. For example it would be nice to meet someone with a full set of teeth instead of them looking like they play goalie for a 1950's hockey team. Another example is when her age doesn't fit mathematically with the age of their first born. And she has six kids.

Can you have such a thing as looking too hard? Are women my age still looking for the bad boy? Are there so many questions around this that one answer just won't fit?

Or has it come down to a singular statement that has been turned into a major film? "She's just not that into you!"

My guess is that the joke about love or on the hunt for love is it's there to have just stop searching and trying too hard and it will come to you if you project to the universe.

Make a list of attributes you require of a significant other. Then as your traveling through out your day re affirm what you have learned and are portraying a significant energy to the heavens and it should come clear what to do.

Ok that's all I got for now.
Bed time.
Ciao for now.

Getting It Done

I have been writing the unedited version of what happened to me last year up til now and am almost done. I will post it soon. A lot of stuff to write and its gonna be long I'm afraid.
Ciao for now

Got your attention !

So the quick and simple ramblings about sex finally generated a comment and I see that some people are reading what little comments I make from time to time. That's great.

I guess sex is a big part of our lives. Men have sexual thoughts every minute about something and I am sure it's the same for women. We can't even look at a banana without that image of a penis flashing into our heads.

Every day we hear friends comment on the looks or "hotness" of others. And I guess that shows our attraction to the little things that we desire in our partner(s). Like the guy who is walking by on the street that has the great hair and rugged features. Some women would like those traits in their partner or dump their current guy for this one.

Guys are the same. Looking at women and enjoying their beauty. Some making more open and suggestive comments than others. Or down right rude uncalled for comments. But still having the attraction to that person.

Of course that is one part of being attracted to that person. Pheromone's are another part which triggers a place in the brain that you can't believe. Ever seen a person at a gathering and thought they might be average in your eyes. And then get close at some time in the event, either chatting with people or whatever. And that person suddenly has something that attracts you to them. That's the hidden killer bullet. Pheromone's.

In college I met Sue from the tv information show "Sex with Sue". It was a phone in show where the callers could ask any question about sex they wanted. She at the time was in her early sixties and had a speaking engagement with the students. She walked up on stage and proceeded to speak. The first thing she said was that she had been approached by women all the time and asked what was the best way to attract a man. There was then a dramatic pause and all the women looked at each other in the room. Then she said she would let them in on the secret and to watch carefully. At that moment this sixty something woman then proceeded to take her hand and tap her crotch and then tap behind both ears like she was putting on perfume. "Pheromone's ladies". And this is from a sexologist.

So where am I going with this? I guess as long as you find something mentally stimulating as well as physically you should be on the right track.

I know your saying "but why should I take advice from a person who couldn't make it work for himself ?". I will just say that take whatever advice you can during your life and use it or don't and be open to what works and doesn't. Is that vague enough for ya?

Stay tuned. I will be writing about the complete and unedited details of of perversion that my ex-wife did to break up with me.

Ciao for now

Sex ! Say no more !

So what are peoples opinions on threesomes or orgies or even the current trends in sex in your city?

This has been a growing trend in the city for a few years now. And there are private clubs popping up where you can have free sex with swingers in your area. And sex toy stores are becoming more popular and inviting. Instead of the gross blacked out store, they are now very open and brightly lit.

Even the bondage stores are inviting and open and the old gross people that used to own such stores have been replaced with well informed and friendly staff. And they are open to any questions you have about products. And the products even come with a guarantee. A friggin' guarantee. Of course it is slightly embarrassing when you have to explain what you were doing when you burned out your toy rabbit.

And also sex parties are starting to be more trendy. Those are the ones that they announce the location the day of through a text list of ticket holders and they all converge on it dressed as wildly, and provocatively as possible. Then as the night goes on the party goers fool around and tease each other til its time to go and then they speed out of the parking lot like the place was being raided by a bunch of skin heads. All rushing to get home and try out their new sex partner they found that night.

So I guess the pressing question is have we put too much emphasis on sex? Or have we become more aware of the different ways we can be aroused and titillated? or have we put too much pressure on ourselves to find different ways to get off? Does anyone still enjoy the old missionary position any more?

So this was kind of a deep thought blog but I would like to know what you think.

Ciao for now