Old Flame

Lets talk about someone in the past. I mean really long time ago. So long I am embarrassed to say. Well maybe like fifteen years. Yeah that's about right.

She was a beautiful redhead who was recently divorced and had some kids from the jackass she split from. She had spunk and fire. And was very sensuous.

That was my first foray at seeing a divorced woman. Pretty cool.We had a lot of fun and cared about each other deeply. And then I was gone. Yup I left to pursue a job out in Banff, working in the kitchen of the Banff Springs hotel.

That never sat great with me that I had to go. I always felt trapped in the little town I was living in. Watching other people trapped in the same town and rotting on the local bar stool wallowing away in their own urine stained clothes talking about what they did in their younger days. And that was just the twenty year olds. Yes the infamous trap of a little town that feels all warm and comfy because you know everyone and know everyone. At the same time they all knew you and your business too. But when in that trap you don't even notice the time slipping away and suddenly it's been two years since you have graduated college and you still aren't working in the field of study you took.

So frustrated I made a tough decision and left. Right or wrong I had to get the heck out and see what was in the rest of the world.

Then this little program that you might have heard of called Facebook comes around and all of a sudden everyone who I knew and barely remember are making friend requests. Accept,accept,accept. All of a sudden I have a ton of friends on this little interweb community. And then the day came that "she" found me. Do you remember when someone from your past tries to get to be your friend and you have some doubt because you don't know why they want to be your friend.

It turned out to be ok and we both grew from that time. Her kids all grew up and now I feel old because when I knew them they were just little. But that is a part of growing up I guess.

But what I didn't realize would happen is the old protective feelings towards her. Wanting to take care of her and be there for her to talk to when she is having a bad day. I guess you never really lose that feeling for the ones you cared for and that would be a shame if it did disappear.

So now communication with her is infrequent but there all the same. And we both probe into each others personal life. Making suggestions and feeling for each other when things are bad.

This leaves me at where I am right now. With her being in a great place with a full life. And she looks in on me from time to time.

So what would you have done? Stay because your comfortable in your small little town. Or Leave because you realize it's slowly strangling you to death? Dramatic I know but you get the picture.

Ciao for now.

Whats Next ?

So it looks like there are people reading my little rants. Well good and welcome. This is where real literature goes to die.

So it seems today i go to my intuition class and the woman who had mislead me at the pool party will be there. Awkward! Oh you don't remember reading about this woman? Let's refresh your memory.

Were at a pool party and getting along good. Were in the pool and rather close. I go get a drink and get distracted by someone talking to me. I return and she's making out with her ex. Short sweet and just the facts.

On the whole,this is going to be so uncomfortable today. Probably for the both of us. She will look at me and I will look at her and never should our eyes meet. And if they do then you have to look away quickly so as not to show interest. Even at this age (38)the same teenage games are played out. Is there a time when this all stops? For the love of god can't she just tell me straight out what happened, instead of keeping this all bottled up and making it uncomfortable for the both of us?

I dislike having those uncomfortable chats don't get me wrong. Whoever is at fault and trying to explain has to open up and bear their selves. This of course leaves them defenceless against any attack and people try to protect themselves and whats inside from the outside world. I guess the common theme is I will let someone in to my life and into my head, a little, but not too deep. If you let them in deep into your head and soul you have nothing left for yourself. Can you share that much?

I would like you to think of the most perfect couple in the world. Could be any couple. Then look at them and ask yourself if they have some of themselves held back a little or did they open up like a book to their partner and shared everything. Their hopes and dreams. Hates and fears. Most embarrassing moment in their lives. Their kinks and fantasies.

Could you open up that much to someone your interested in? Does that take years to let loose all the little facts of your life to find commonality? Or do you just sit down and spill everything at once and watch as the person your telling curls up in a little ball and turns white at all the details. Of course that means they are relating what your saying to their own lives and realizing they might have more screwed up details than you and what then does that make them?

So many questions and so many answers.

I think just let it out as it comes and be honest and if they are scared about how messed up you are then there is the door. This is your life and your living it as best you can.

Ciao for now

This is Bad Luck

So now were all caught up from last year to present. Everyone I know had a terrible year last year and it didn't even have anything to do with the economy. More personal reasons. Ok I guess some people had financial troubles.
It all happened one night. LoL. Great start for a story eh? But in this case it did.
I was invited to a pool party at the house of the clairvoyant teacher I have been taking classes from. And most of her students were in attendance. I have been sorta interested in a woman that has been in the same class. So of course being at a party with alcohol and a pool that is kept at a beautiful ninety eight degrees....... well you fill in the blanks. No? Ok I'll do it for you.
I am a friendly guy and an ok conversationalist. But when alcohol is involved I am more animated and like to talk and have more confidence. What a suprise. Booze equals confidence.
So KJ (the host of the party) saw me glance at this woman and instantly said " Your single and so is she. You should get to know her".
"Danger Will Robinson, danger". That's a movie reference from "Lost in Space" for those who thought I have just lost it.
Danger indeed. I am there. She is there. And I am still vulnerable. And yes I am a little scared. Come forth Crown Royal and give me the courage to entice yon damsel.
So two drinks in I start to strike up the conversation. And to my suprise she actually had some interest in what I am saying. Yes me. It was hard to believe myself. Not that I have low self esteem but. Well.
Lets back it up a bit and describe her I guess. She is about average height with very pretty eyes and hair. A smile that makes you feel good looking at it. Oh yeah did I mention she was interested in what I had to say and had a heartbeat. No really she is very pretty and I thought out of my league.
So were back to talking and drinking. She is talking to me and were having a pretty good time. And then to a suprise to me she suggested to get into our bathing suits and get in the pool. Well you don't have to ask me twice. Off with the day clothes and into a swim suit as fast as I could. And I was not disappointed when I came out of the bathroom to see her. Yes I was taken aback a bit at the sight of her. This was the second bit of good luck. So off to the pool with the drinks. And to be funny here for a second. Things went swimmingly.
You know how I said that I may jump around with the stories? That's because I have no idea how to write and I am doing this all from just hitting the keys in an order that makes sense to me. So maybe I should apologize to those literary guru's that can write circles around me. But here comes the rest of the story.
I have to back it up once again and give the one little detail that I found out the next day. Another guy who attends the class arrived and yes he is attractive. SUPRISE. They dated.
No at this point I am clueless to this fact and we are having a good time in the pool talking and I have been listening intently. Yes I was. Don't judge me. And even made her drinks.We were getting to know each other and while in the water she was sitting on my knee with my arm around her. Sounds good? Just wait here it comes.
Tall and handsome bad boy type she was seeing ,decided he was also going into the pool too. Can you see where this is going? No? Ok I will fill in the final chapter of this saga.
I recall that I was getting a refill for us both and went into the house. And while making drinks it seems that she and he decided to get talking. And by the time I got back to the pool she and he were close talking. You know that type of close talking that sends the direct signal that I was intruding. So at that time I decided to drop off her drink and make up an excuse that I had to talk to KJ our teacher for a minute. Hoping that the conversation they were having was about closure and they needed their space for five minutes.
So I went inside to give them some space and work it out. Now when I said "IT" I didn't mean "IT". As in his penis. Yup I said PENIS. PENIS,PENIS,PENIS. What a silly sounding word.
So it seems like I was inside for a full two minute when I glanced out the window to see...........yup you guessed it. They were kissing. Kissing and grinding in the pool.
At this point it had just become very apparent to me that this situation has become very uncomfortable.
To put it simply I changed and said my thank you's and left the party with just a little bit of a complex. Bring on the therapy.
So what do you think? Yup. Same as I thought. WTF?
Ok that's the story for today. Come back and try to read the next story without wanting to smash your computer for sheer hatred of what I have done to the english language.