Guest Post from @maniacalmom

Welcome to Rob's little corner of the world! You are probably wondering who the hell @maniacalmom is...right, right....well, I am just a mom who has found a little niche with the twitter world...I brag about my kids, I complain about my sex life...or lack thereof and I meet amazing people from all over the world...@CameraGuyRob being one of them. I blog too and you can find my little corner of the world here.

He has decided to be Grizzly Adams this week and take his two enchanting munchkin mini Rob's out camping...CAMPING...ugh...I can't even imagine the layers of dirt and bugs that they will be immersed in...*shudder*

He was on his way out of town...sun, sand and...well, he's camping with his kids...so no S*X...(bummer Rob!) and he sends me a text message..."BTW...do you wanna blog for me?" like tonight...or tomorrow...ERM...thanks for giving a girl some notice buddy! Well, not wanting to be one to let anyone down, I said yes...and here you all are...reading my lengthy introduction to why the hell I am writing on Rob's Blog.

Anyhoooooo.....

Here we are. Rob, being the control freak that he is...proceeded to give me my topics for the week as well (high five me if you know what I mean!) Today's topic is going to be a great one for some and touchy one for many and totally "who gives a shit" for most.

Rob asked me to write about how to create a working relationship with your Ex. See, if you know Rob, you know that he's a divorced father of two. His Ex lives out East and it isn't always easy to parent long distance. It isn't always easy to parent, let's be honest about that! When you add divorce and distance into the mix...it can become monumentally difficult.

I am also a divorced mom. I have two daughters from my marriage and the Ex and I took a very unique approach to our divorce. Now, understand, we didn't have a bitter divorce. Knock Down, Drag Em Out "I hate you" moment. We simply looked at each other one night and said "what are we doing????" and that was that. He is a fabulous dad! His partner and I don't really see eye to eye on many things, but the greatest power I have in that situation is I don't have to deal with her. She isn't my problem, she's the Ex's problem and I don't have to give one single ounce of energy to dealing with her...ever.

The ex and I had a brutally honest, heart wrenching conversation one night...shortly after we split up. We talked about what we wanted and where we wanted to go as parents...after all, we would be forever tied together because of our daughters. What were we going to do to ensure we would not push our daughters into therapy? We came up with this plan....we thought it out...and we live by it everyday. Don't get me wrong...there are times....believe me...there are times that I would love to get into my car and drive over there and junk punch him...I REALLY REALLY REALLY would...but first and foremost, I have to always remember that he is their dad...and he loves them just as much...not any more or less...than I do.

So here was our plan...our way through the world of hurt feelings and bitter divorces.

1. Always ask the other parent first. What does that mean? Well, if I need someone to watch the girls if I have to work or have plans, I will ALWAYS ask their dad first. Why? Because I want him to do the same for me. If he has to ask someone to watch our daughters it SHOULD be me.

2. It is not about how much I don't like him. It isn't about what I think he SHOULD be doing...it's about our daughters. I am no longer his wife and I can not affect any change in his life. It is no longer up to me how he behaves or what he does. As much as I want him to do it MY way all the time...it's never going to happen. It didn't happen when we were married, it certainly isn't going to happen now that we are divorced.

3. We agree to disagree. We know that we will never see eye to eye on many things, and we just have to agree that sometimes we do things one way in my house and totally different rules in his out. On the big things...like religion, health care and Christmas presents (shut up, it's a big deal!) we have to come to a place of agreement and a way to find middle ground. When it comes to bedtimes and snack times and the snuggle times in between, I do what I want and he does what he wants...and we just don't ask.

4. We agreed to NOT put the kids in the middle of our drama. It isn't fair to ask them questions about the other parents house. We agree that some things are better left unsaid and we don't ask the girls about what life is like at the other house. If they want to talk about it, we will listen but we never pry or prod for information.

5. I know that I will never change the way he behaves or what he thinks. I know that the only person I am in charge of now is me. It is how I react to our life that I can control. As frustrating as it can be...I know that no matter what, I want the very best for my daughters...and deep down, I know he wants the same.
I worry about me from day to day. I worry about the world my daughters are living in and I worry about how I well face all the changes that are inevitable in our lives.

The one thing I have come to know about me is that I am in control. I get to decide. I get to decide how I will react to the things that go on around me. What my ex says and does WILL NOT affect me. I won't allow that to happen. I will acknowledge how I feel, and I will go beyond it. I will not let it change how I feel about my parenting, my life or myself.

In reality, there is nothing I can say or do that will change the decision he is going to make. He is going to so what he wants to do. In the end, what he says and does will not change what I think and do. I am in control and I will live the best life I can for me and my kids.

I have given up the illusion of being a perfect mom, woman, wife and friend. I am not always going to be a shining example of a human. What I will be is me. No more, no less. I am way more laid back as a divorced mom. Bedtime is often a fluid idea at our house. Most nights is by 8:30 pm....some nights....we snuggle on the couch and watch a movie till 10 pm...yes ON A SCHOOL NIGHT! I know one thing for sure...I love my life. I love my daughters and I love the way our house is. I am not too keen on their dad's house...but that's not up to me. What I am responsible for is loving my daughters with everything I have. I am responsible for encouraging and guiding my daughters towards adulthood. I am their mom, nothing on this planet will ever replace that.

Maybe you are in the same spot Rob is in...struggling with how to go about creating harmony...hurt feelings and hatred aside. Maybe you are doing a frigging bang up job of being a divorced parent...I don't know. What I do know is that we have to quit ripping each other apart and start putting our kids first. When you hate your ex spouse it changes who your children are from the core. I hope that somewhere along the way, you can find some peace, a quiet place to rediscover how amazing and wonderful you are and embrace that person again.